March 25, 2007
Collier Theodorich Lounsbury: The unofficial biography
With the growing fame of The Lounsbury on Aqoul, a biography was long overdue to our readership. Here's the fruit of long months of research.
Collier Theodorich Lounsbury, better know as The Lounsbury, is an ubiquitous character roaming the Web, spamming the blogosphere with random confrontational comments and irreverent insults. Despite the risk of exposure, he managed to maintain an aura of secrecy around his true identity that led some to speculate that he was actually only an invention of Eerie. Behind this fuzzy front, lies the story of an orphan hyperactive gifted kid suffering from paranoid schizophrenia.
The Lounsbury was born in 1959 in Springfield, Mississippi, to Pavlik and Lidochka Liosberich, or by their anglicized form, Paul and Lydia Lounsbury. Paul and Lydia were both children of Russian aristocrats who fled to the US after the Bolshevik revolution. Deprived of their fortune, Paul’s parents were barely able to feed their family on small jobs, so Paul had to start working at an early age as a taxi driver. Lydia was educated to be a good housewife as per the standards of the time. The circumstances of their death in a car accident are unclear. Cousins assert that a depression induced excess of vodka resulting from having The Lounsbury as a child has something to do with it – but an old family inherited animosity between Collier and his American cousins might cast a shadow of doubt over that information.
Shortly after his parents deceased, The Lounsbury was adopted by an African American couple, John and Mary Jackson. John, or by his later name Jamal, was a construction worker whose ambitions were then hindered by racial discrimination in the US. This led him to move with his family out to Spitalfields in Eastern London, UK. There, Jamal Jackson created a successful construction company which would not only raise homes for the Bengali immigrants of the area, but also won sizeable contracts such as the construction and maintenance of part of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst and the Stock Exchange Tower of Threadneedle Street.
Jamal Jackson used to take his son with him to the construction sites. At Sandhurst, while Jackson was busy supervising his workers, the young Lounsbury was endlessly running after the future officers, shouting at them, sometimes even trying to beat them, and screaming the worst cockney trash he could learn in other sites. Though most cadets would ignore the kid, one in particular was intrigued by him. Equally turbulent and eccentric in his younger years, Qaddhafi liked to debate with the seven years old boy about their vision of politics and economy. When he returned to Libya, they kept in touch for some time, and some of their correspondence would later constitute the basis for the Green Book.
The Lounsbury’s aristocratic descent, his adoption by African Americans and their social ascension despite racism, his contacts with Islam through his parents’ conversion, his Bengali neighbors and Qaddhafi were determining in shaping his interest in the MENA region, his classical liberal point of view on economy and politics, and his extended taste for tanned women.
In his early teenage, sitting in the dark corridors of the Stock Exchange Tower while his father was finishing the cabling of the last floors of the tower, he started developing the first signs of paranoid schizophrenia. Stealing books from the tower’s library, he suffered no sense of guilt but was subject to delusions that a team of golden boys was hunting him down for it. It was to face and overcome those delusions that he was advised to choose finance as a professional field.
After completing university, The Lounsbury started working as a clerk for Deloitte. Unsatisfied with not being hired as a manager from the start, he displayed an aggressive behavior that led his superiors to let him go after only a few months. He was then hired by Merrill Lynch, only to be fired again for the same reasons. Eventually, he was hired by Arthur Andersen. There, his professional career grew at an amazing pace. From a clerk whose main job was to empty the trash cans of the company’s employees, he grew to be one of the most important finance consultants. A former colleague requesting anonymity claims that this ascension was less due to Collier’s capabilities and tact than to him coming across compromising documents in one of the top management’s trash cans and using them to blackmail his way up. This position opened many networking opportunities to The Lounsbury, so he went around with such people as Kenneth Lay, Paul Wolfowitz and Daniel Akerson.
Thinking he was spied upon by the SEC within the context of early investigations about questionable practices among some of Andersen’s staff, The Lounsbury decided to quit and join Northern Trust Corporation instead in 1998. Shortly after, an affair between him and a member of the board of directors’ Yemenite wife had him shipped over to Morocco. To avoid a scandal though, he was offered a managerial position and was responsible for several offices across the Middle-East and North Africa, until he was sadistically raised to the desperate position of Director for the region by the very person who had him exiled.
Marriage and personal life
Like most hyperactive children grown adults, The Lounsbury’s relationships have almost invariably been extremely short lived. His bad temper, his paranoid delusions, his lack of faithfulness, his propensity to workoholism and his appreciation of Bhangra music led all ladies to dump him – when he wasn’t the one to break up in the first place out of fear that his partner might be out there to kill him for his inheritance.
Yet, a couple of years ago a woman succeeded in marrying him and maintain the relationship. Her name won’t be revealed to avoid useless lawsuits, but reliable sources in Casablanca informed me that, after having worked for him for a few years, she learned some of his tricks and blackmailed him into it. Perhaps a consequence of this, The Lounsbury faced cancer a few months later. The disease could have aggravated The Lounsbury’s delusions about inheritance, but he overcame it and the couple was relatively mellowed by it eventually.
Aqoul and controversy
Given all the secrecy surrounding Collier Theodorich Lounsbury, some internauts have been speculating privately about whether he was real. Everything indeed seems to link him to Eerie, an antisocial emotionless nerd with a Lawrence of Arabia syndrome. Rumors have it that, addicted to blogs, Eerie developed an early prototype of what would be her perfect soulmate, which she later exposed on Aqoul. This supported the argument of those who think he’s a figment of Eerie’s sick fantasies and that the Lounsbury is only a poorly made blogobot.
Posted by Shaheen at March 25, 2007 04:49 PM
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Ah, I weep with laughter.
hahahaa... the qadhafi bit had me snortling with laughter! you genius.
(btw, i always figured they were both inventions, in a jekyll-and-hyde sort of way.)
Posted by: alle at March 25, 2007 09:49 PM
I think this was a week early. (Precisely a week early, in fact).
Posted by: Tom Scudder at March 25, 2007 10:16 PM
"hahahaa... the qadhafi bit had me snortling with laughter! you genius....(btw, i always figured they were both inventions, in a jekyll-and-hyde sort of way."
No, Qadhafi is quite real, though often spelled differently.
Posted by: matthew hogan at March 26, 2007 12:21 AM
btw, i always figured they were both inventions, in a jekyll-and-hyde sort of way.
Right, in fact L and I are both artificial intelligence projects run by DARPA. L is simply the older version of me.
I understand doing Lounsbury research can be quite dangerous, string of assassinations and disappearances etc.
I have to confess I didn't understand this. Might be the meds.
Posted by: The Lounsbury at March 27, 2007 05:59 PM
I have to confess I didn't understand this. Might be the meds.
Or Eerie's incompetent programming.
Well, Lounsbury's hardware has been running a little hot lately. Evidently some uptime and memory leak issues, etc.
I believe it's the meds. Old regulars of the appropriately named Straight Dope know that he was, in a former life, quite the druggie. Remember, reality is for those who can't deal with drugs. I say that to myself every day, in fact. Twice on Sundays.
Posted by: pantom at March 27, 2007 09:25 PM